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| Via Corinne Versteeg |
On the day California lifted its mask order, my Piglet attended a friend's birthday party. That was the first "real" party he attended in person after the stay at home order was issued in March last year. At the party, the children had great fun running around, eating cakes and biscuits; the parents who accompanied their kids the party sat on the beach chairs, drinking beer and chatting and laughing.
Looking at this scene, I feel very surprised. I am a very introverted person and was still not used to such social gatherings after staying at home for 15 months. But for the extroverts, that 15-month-long isolation does not seem to have any impact.
Speaking of the stay at home order, there is one thing I like about it: for 15 months, I didn't have to accompany the children to any parties.
I am not only introverted, but also very awkward. I don't like parties. I was even afraid of parties when I was a kid. I probably have social anxiety! When there was a party that cannot be avoided, such as the class party for end of year in elementary school, I would bring a book, sit in my seat and read it, and avoid participating in any group activities. Other kids said I was awkward.
The awkward child grew up and became an awkward parent. In the before-times, when I have to accompany Piglet to a kids party, I always took a book and sit in the corner to read it. Of course, now that we are all mature adults, I can also put down the book and chat with other parents, when necessary. No one would call me awkward at my face, and I finally stopped being afraid of parties.
But deep down, I often worry: Can an introverted parent like me raise a child with social confidence? I didn't want Piglet to grow up to be as awkward as me, so I started to do research. I read books, exchange experiences with other introverted parents, and seize every opportunity to interview experts to ask them this question (it is so convenient to be a journalist).
The first thing I learned is that awkwardness, introversion, and social anxiety are actually different. People who are awkward are usually less conscious of non-verbal expressions, and they pay more attention to details than the big picture, so they tend to hit a wall when trying to get along with others. Introverts prefer to be alone rather than in groups, but they may not be really bad at socializing. People who are shy or socially anxious are afraid of being evaluated and tend to avoid the crowd. But because our society generally believe that extroversion and talkativeness are a more ideal personality traits, these three types of people are all classified into the same category.
An awkward, introverted, and shy parent who wants to raise an extroverted and talkative child is a big challenge. Half of the reason is due to genes--Studies have shown that 52% of introverted boys and 39% of introverted girls are inherited. The other half of the reason is due to education.
So, if you are an introverted parent like me, you still have a half chance of giving birth to an extroverted son and a two-thirds chance of giving birth to an extroverted daughter. A large part of personality traits is determined by genes, so if you give birth to a born outgoing child, there is almost no need to worry. But what if you give birth to a child who is as introverted as you?
Once when chatting with a mother who was just as introverted as me, she sighed and said, “I think it’s not easy for us. Those who are extroverts seem to know how to make friends by nature, but people like us learn it after a lot of hard work. "
So true. After many setbacks, I finally realized that I can never become an extrovert, but I can be a good person, and I can also learn to recognize my personality and find out my strengths to make use of it.
From the age of five, Piglet has clearly displayed hid introverted and sensitive qualities, just like me as a child. When he told me that he was ignored at school, or asked me how to make new friends in a new class, I never had an answers that would be effective immediately. I decided to teach him how to be kind, rather than how to be popular.
I always ask him: "Have you been a kind person in school today? Did you care about other children?" If he shook his head, I would say to him, "Try to care about a kid tomorrow, and ask him how he's doing." If he nodded, I would say to him, "That's it. You will gradually make friends." I told him that in my first year of elementary school, I didn’t even have one friend. Because everyone is different, some people can make friends quickly, but some people need time, just take your time.
At the end of this school year, Piglet’s teacher asked the children to write comments to each other, and then taught the children to make the comments they received into a word cloud graphic. Piglet took home his penguin-shaped word cloud graphic. The comments he got included: "friendly", "smart", "caring"... In short, they are all good words. I think the teacher reminded them to be kind when writing comments.
I asked him for the first time: "Do you have many friends in your school now?"
The soon-to-be third-grader said: "Not a lot. I am not the cool kid in my class. But I have some good friends and I am very happy to be with them."
**The article originally published on Chinese Commonwealth Parenting Magazine on July 5, 2021. This is an English translation. Photo credit to Corinne Versteeg.
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